Cycling
Is A Lot Like Ice Hockey
by Ben Tiffany
Cycling is
a lot like ice hockey. Both
sports are great because even their top athletes are relatively
unknown. Although
cycling has a strong tradition in Europe, the
market that sponsors are really after is in the US—where
cycling has yet to make a splash. Hell, Lance Armstrong was only able
to hold
the public’s interest because he was (1) an American, (2) a cancer
survivor,
and (3) a back-to-back Tour de France winner. But much like recent Tour
winners
Ulrich, Cippolini, and Pantani, Armstrong’s 15 minutes are up.
This is
good news. After all, look what
fan support (and fan dollars) has done for baseball, football and
basketball. Baseball
players strike. Football players kill people (see Ray Lewis, Rae
Carruth and
O.J.) And with the exception of my Knicks, basketball players have
become
gun-toting toddlers with monopoly money in hand. Simply put, the
quality (an
morality) of these three sports has dropped off in the last few
decades. And while
the actual reasons are as numerous as they are complicated, the
monetary
success of each is the underlying cause.
Hockey, of
course, is different. Younger
players respect their elders. Why? Because their elders are skating
around with
lumber in their hands. You might swat your dog’s behind with a
newspaper. You might
string your cat up by its neck. But in the NHL, a reprimand means
having an eye
gouged out with the blade of a stick. But more important to the success
of
hockey has been its complete commercial failure. Players have no
bargaining
power because the world would be hard-pressed to care any less.
This is also true in the world
of
cycling. Although blood doping runs rampant and big egos abound,
cycling is as
healthy as ever. Seriously, when was the last time you saw a cyclist go
“Bo
Jackson” and break a bike frame over his knee?
Never.
When have
you seen a cyclist rolling with
an entourage or a slew of illegitimate kids.
Never.
And have you ever heard a cyclist refer
to himself in the third person?
Mmm…bad example, I guess.
Now we all have a secret trail
or a
stretch of river we cherish, right? We share it with our pals and
anyone who
asks. But we definitely hope the whole world doesn’t stumble over our
haven. The
Wasatch is loaded with gems like these. Ever heard of “The Secret
Hush-Hush
trail” or “The Hate Crime in Hell Trail”? Probably not. For better or
for
worse, those are secret places that are guarded well.
Try to
think of cycling in much the same
way. Speak of it in hushed tones. Downplay ever stride it makes. And be
sure to
comment on the cute outfits that we roadies wear. If we can keep it
uncool, we
can keep cycling in the stone age. And like stickball, handball and
hockey, it’ll
be guarded from a whole world of hate.
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